just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think I sprained my soul last night
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize