i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
