I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize