Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
