shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
