Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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