He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
