I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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