lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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