"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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