Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
