she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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