I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
