So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
