Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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