First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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