I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
