we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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