conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
