please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
whose parrot is this?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
