he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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