i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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