1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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