Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
