You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
