when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
