We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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