OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
