i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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