More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
