I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
