Who did Billy Mays play for?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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