I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
