You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
