The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
