perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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