Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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