Walk of Shame. In a state park.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i think my cat just said my name.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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