WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
