Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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