im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
