i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Randomize
