Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He kissed a someone with a penis
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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