If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
