Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
