If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
