I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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