god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
