youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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