on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
