I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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