He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
