i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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