She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
