Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
