my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize