Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
