The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
