Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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