I wish I only lived at night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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