i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
