I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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