Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
